The "I Went Down the Rabbit Hole. Again", edition.

iPad set to America, "Ventura Highway".  Mellow song. Makes me smile. Hmmm.  The blog app saved 2 drafts today.  Rabbit hole, indeed!  What do I mean when I say rabbit hole?  I rode that bunny right into hopeless mode the other day. The trigger was a commercial for a cruise.  Brian suggested we go on a cruise.  I say I'd like that.  There are cruises that can accommodate dialysis patients. They cost more, of course and insurance doesn't cover the costs of at sea dialysis.  Which led to me stressing out over the Blue Cross confusion....I NEED this to be taken care of by February 28, 2014.

I go on to stay I can't go out of the country, even Canada. This is not my expectation of my retirement. I can feel gret 3-4 days of the week.  The other 3 days I'm out of commission. What the hell kind of life is this?  Or for my family?  The kidney failure affects them. And besides, my blood pressure is fluctuating and can't seem to be stabilized. I may have a stroke at any time. Or a heart attack. Or die.  What's the point?  

I cannot ever recover. I'm being kept alive by being hooked up to machine 3 days a week to barely keep me alive. It is not a replacement for a kidney,  it's just something to barely keep me alive.  If I miss 4 days or more of treatment,  I'm dead.  Death is always 2 weeks away for me.....every day.  What's the point?  I can never get out of this rabbit hole.  The best I can do is catch periodic glimpses of light. I'm not liking my life. I don't want to live like this. I'm tired of being strong.  Hopeless. 

Signing off with The Jackson's, " Looking Through the Windows".  Enjoy the warmer temperatures.  Still wear your boots.  The melting (and potholes) should be impressive.