The "I'm Really Tired of This", edition.

I'd like to say good Monday morning, but it isn't and I can't. I haven't had a good treatment run since Wednesday.  I had the sucessful angioplasty and fistulagram on Thursday...which meant obviously no treatment Thursday. Friday's treatment was great...until the last 45 minutes. Well, at least I was able to remove the amount of fluid, but I lost the last 45 minutes because of system alarms and the need to get off of the machine. Somewhere there was air in the lines which precipitates the need to get off now..do not pass go, do not collect $200. Because the last thing we want is air running into my veins. That would be bad.  Very bad. I lost the last 45 minutes of toxin removal. Yay. Poisons running through my veins. Good times!  

Saturday was an off day. We thought that would be fine as I had a busy day. And I actually made it through. Hooray for increased stamina!!!  Early weekly Saturday morning casino run with Dad. Then sorority meeting, the watercolor class. Then I came home and crashed. Lol. But in a good way. Brian made sloppy joes, we ate and I fell asleep. Sunday brunch was Chinese food. And then come home and do treatment. Well an hour into the treatment the alarms on the machine went off. Brian called the help line. They told him to discontinue treatment now. :-/  I am not a happy person. We think we have a defective cartridge. A bad lot of cartridges  if you will. We're going to try again this morning, opening a new box of cartridges and checking the lot number. We were also instructed to call the help line before we start for a walk through and we'll be notifying by nurses. .. If there is still an issue I'll need to go to the center for treatment. *Sigh. 

So yeah. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of living like this. I'm at the whim of pieces of plastic. And quality control. I'm frustrated as hell. This isn't living. This is surviving. Barely. And what the hell for?  Geez. I'm tired of this. I'm sooo tired of end stage renal disease. I'm tired of dialysis. I tired of waiting on a cadaver kidney that may never become available. I can't even volunteer for stuff in the sorority because I'm pretty sure my availability will suck. Because of this I am not dependable. At all. Traveling requires major planning and logistics. I have no idea how I'm going to feel one day to next. There is no cure. More often than not I hope to not wake up in the morning. I'm tired of being strong. I'm so sorry Brian has been dragged into this nightmare. I'm so glad Shawn is across the country so she doesn't have to deal with this. Just ugh. 

Yeah I'm in the rabbit hole. And I'm fine with it. I see no light at the end of the tunnel. And that's life..or whatever is left of my life. Oh yeah. Because of the less than desirable availability of treatments, I am now retaining fluid. I'm sure sure the pulmonary edema will come back if I can't get this taken care of.  So there you have it. My life is precarious as hell. 

Well. We'll see if I can get treatment today. Hopefully you'll have a much better day.