The "I'm Running Late All Week. Day 3", edition.

iPod shuffled to Sir Mix A Lot, "Baby GotBack". "So Cosmo says your fat, well I ain't down with that". How's that for some self esteem....or something?  Lol. I have a topic for today. I wasn't sure I wanted to write it. I asked Brian what I should write about.  He suggested Jim Leyland.  Lol. We discussed him and the Tigers, who might be traded, good riddance to some of the coaches. We debated how they fizzled vs how they ran into "a buzz saw called the Giants" last year (Brian's words). But I'm not writing about that now.

I'm scared. I know have a positive attitude, but that's just me.  My glass is always half full and I usually am not satisfied.  I want to fill the glass to the brim. Right now a full glass of water would be a treat ...rimshot (dialysis humor). Parliament, "Flashlight". Funk at it's finest. Lol. Who started bopping their head at just the mention of "Flashlight"?  Anyway, in spite of the half full glass there are some realities I have to come to terms with. My odds of dying within five years are high. Of course I do what I can to prolong my life, but there are variables that I cannot control. 

My family and friends are smart. We read. And with the internet there is.so.much information. Lol. Learning comes at a price. You get the good, the bad, and the frightening. Well, as I researched kidney disease, kidney failure and dialysis, I got just that.  I am getting the frightening.  The Facebook support group is a veritable gold mine of information. It's also a world of reality. Rachelle Ferrell, "With Open Arms". Her voice, the range, omg. I can't even sing along, I just join the backup singers - lol.  The support group is a virtual family.  We go to appointments with each other.  We go through procedures with each other.  We comfort each other when we get test results that are funky. We rejoice when a kidney is available for someone. We talk each other off the cliff. We convince each other to not skip a treatment. We fret for the guy who has no insurance and must go weeks without treatment. He's been absent for a few weeks..we don't know what's going on.

We comfort people who have had people die in the chair next to them. We're on a journey with founder of the group as he's fighting an infection and assorted complications. He's been in ICU for over 2 months. Doctors have to try new therapies or guess at solutions to treat the complications.  We supported the family who's baby was born with a kidney disorder. She survived 2 months on dialysis until the doctors said there was nothing more they could do.  The parents dressed "Baby Claire" in a little princess outfit and said their goodbyes. I pretty sure the virtual support group cried real tears. I know I did.  I'm tearing up as I write this. 

Beyond my virtual group, I have my people here.  I've arrived to treatment only to be told someone at the center has died.  My soror died a few weeks ago. A young man passed.  The guy next to me was hospitalized over the weekend. The guy across from was gone for a week, he was hospitalized also. My dear childhood friend who has kidney failure and helped me cope is hospitalized for a few weeks fighting an infection. 

This is my reality. I do well. I smile. Most days I feel great. Some days, not so much. I wash my hands.  I carry sanitizer. I'm a bit paranoid about crowds now. I had a flu shot. I'll probably will get a pneumonia shot.  I'm still at the mercy of chance. 

Five years. 

So I'll lighten up with my sign off song.  "Gold Digger", Kanye West, featuring Jamie Foxx. The rated "M" version. Jamie does a great impression of Ray Charles.  "Get down, girl gon' head, get down".

:-D

Photo of Baby Claire with permission of her father.