iPod shuffled to "American Boy", Estelle featuring Kanye West. " Don't like his baggy jeans..." Yep. Lol. I floated into the negatives this weekend. It really can't be helped. I submit that all dialysis patients struggle with this. A constant fight with depression and hopelessness. Um. I forgot to recharge the iPod, so I had to change to the iPad. Opening song, "Hot in Herre", Nelly. This is a party starter, even for my generation. Lol. How do I know this? It happened at a party I went to. I'm sure our kids would have been mortified. Too bad. Lol.
So after that I jump back to the depression fight. This weekend I was thinking about spontenaiety is out. I have to plan for everything. I made the arrangements for Christmas travel in October. I had to turn in my travel paperwork to my social worker 4-6 weeks in advance. A dialysis center has to be found. Insurance has to be approved. Even then, when I get to my destination, I have 5 hours on 3 days where I am out of commission....if I'm lucky. I may still get the "dialysis wipe out". When I travel, I have to take my dialysis bag with me. A blanket is mandatory.
I know. You say, "Pat. It sounds like you're doing fine." Well, what choice do I have? This is my reality. I will NEVER recover from kidney failure. The best I can hope for is a transplant...and realistically, that will be years.
I also read about having a disaster plan for dialysis patients. A catostrophic disaster could mean my death. If I can't get dialysis after number of days, my body will just break down. Toxins will take over. And if I'm thirsty now, I'd have to really cut back, because I won't be able to get rid of the fluids. I've already experienced that. Pulmonary edema. Drowning by my own body. Ugh. As frightening as this is, I need to know about it and be prepared. This is what I need to know to stay alive. So yeah, I do as much as I can. I'm trying to live my life to the fullest. I can die at any time. I cannot get better.
Bleah. I like my iPod better for music. I can skip songs faster. Lol. Then I wonder about why I downloaded some songs if I skip over them all the time? Moving to positives. Shawn is in Champaign, Illinois, 2 hours from Indianapolis. They got no snow. None. The town about 20 miles east got snow. Go figure. Cameo, "I Just Want to Be". Saw them back in the early 80's with Roger and Zapp. The concert was a party. One of the best concerts ever!! Outdoor concert. Kinda smokey. ;-)
And I went to visit my Wendell yesterday. I texted him I was coming and asked if wanted anything. He asked for fried chicken. Woot. That's a definite sign he's getting better!!! Lol. It was torture riding in the car with that fried chicken. We got there. He had on his shoes, hanging out the bed. He's been walking and he just looked better and was animated!!! He's ready to home. I'm glad he started eating again. And like me, his appetite has come back with a vengeance. Maybe he'll be home before Christmas. It's kinda nice being able to talk and commiserate with someone close who is sharing the same medical issues. He showed me and explained peritoneal dialysis. He's now asking me about hemodialysis and fistulas.
For the record, Brian and Shawn don't allow me to wallow in self pity. And I can't afford to anyway. Signing off with "Killer Joe", Quincy Jones and his Orchestra". Also like the Manhattan Transfer version. :-) Have a great day. Oh, to my friends and family in California and Texas who got snow and ice this weekend...."oh boo hoo". Lol lol.
Oh yeah..the wifi at the center was wonky this morning, so the entry is late today.
I think that most healthy people take their health and life for granted. I guess it's only natural. But it can be exhausting as well as depressing at times having to constantly deal with chronic health issues. At times you feel like there is no one else that could possibly understand. But the unfortunate truth is that there are plenty people who do understand and relate. It's just not always possible to walk around feeling like the glass is half full. Now and then you see a half full glass. After all, we're only human.
ReplyDeleteCorrection: now and then you see a half empty.
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